loser sentiments.

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

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the cny break came really useful, to breakaway from the rigour of that shit im in. even the day of book out was helluva messy, rush, aggressive, tiring, draining, everything ept of describing that island. yup, at least i enjoyed the cny break up till now, had lotsa lotsa good food and gathered with relatives. this is the first few times i really learn to cherish such moments and not feel bored.
anyways, the crux of this cny soon shifted to the decision of whether to aim for ocs ornot. every elder came and went, telling me the beauty of the resume with ocs, the employer's mindset, the world's jurisdiction of a person with and without ocs. i know i know. i know im a loser who cannot withstand hardship, i know "tough times do not last, tough men do" but i cannot personify it. is it time for me to prove that i can be up to something? or quit out and slack just like what i did in soccer? maybe im just a good warrior in terms of academics. just maybe.
whatever it is, it will take me weeks to consider and make the ultimate decision, im sure. but for now, i would just have to strive doubly hard to make sure i have an answer to myself about the 2 months being well spent.
this event made me rethink about myself.
am i a weak mental person?
am i someone who quits?
sighs. maybe.
it leads to another bigger question, of what do i wan in life.
maybe the biggest part of my social construct that answers to the question of me thinking of not wanting to strive for ocs is that i want to lead a simple life. my take on life is an extremely critical and cynical one, which prolly leads to me detesting myself and others for working hard to reach the top flight status. it comes across as a very hypocritical action, to imagine people motivating people in pumping position, going "endure, endure" just because they want to be earmarked for ocs. yes, my frens do tell me that it may not be the case and i have too negative a take of the world. but it is my perspective, and i would like to keep it unique. i came to this world not for society, but for myself. i only want to answer to myself and no one else. it is selfish, i know, but i have never neglected the responsibility of being a son and a teamplayer. all i want is a simple life, rid of all the sad struggle for power and honours, to be able to return and see my parents thru their remaining journey - half of which was really dedicated to me and my sis. i want to do something i like, be admired for the thing i do which i like, and not be respected for the title which society wants.
again, after all, its just my, a recruit's view. the lowest lifeform in singapore. i have no powers over my destiny, i still have to answer to others all around me. i still know girls will look out for officers as future mates. i know perceptions will change when u do/do not follow the bandwagon. but am i prepared to face the repercussions? or am i ready to go with the tide instead?
as i contemplate these, ruminate every night in camp and at home about this issue, i know the decision has to be made real soon.
now i do realise that life is a struggle, not everything is as smooth as it can be, or one wants it to be. how simple a life is subjected to the scrutiny of the audience whom are only interested in blockbusters.
can i still find myself?
or i have to give up for society?
i hope i can find the delicate balance in time to come.