live not to regret

"You are allowed to take a break, you know. No one has to be a martyr 24-7."
But I hear her wrong. "I think once you sign on to be a mother, that's the only shift they offer."
"I said martyr," Zanne laughs. "Not mother."
I smile a little. "Is there a difference?"
- Jodi Picoult, My sister's keeper.

today, we shall talk about OCS - Officer Cadet School.
have they ever told you OCS is the pride of a male, the measure of his societal bearings and the testimony of his capacity?
have anyone ever told you how ugly it is first hand to see how people climb to be in that prestigious position that will not be that prestigious once you realise it yourself.
initially, i was adamant against going ocs, simply because its not my cup of tea to exchange grass and mud for a higher place in society. it was also never going to be my choice to force myself to believe that i can stand out as a vocal individual to rally people which was probably the only yardstick for entry to the OCS. i am not a person who socialises freely with people i haf no idea about, and i haf totally no training in drama or theatrical studies. but i tried. i tried to put up a show not to disappoint society and my parents, and it never turned out well. the assessor told me privately that i gotta try better to be more involved and in control if i wanted a place in ocs. i cudnt tell him that the act has to be the grammy winner in my world.
the pain of that decision he made is now reverberating in my life.
it pains to see totally incapable people being officers, when in the first place i cud have gone in and said i want to go ocs to bring them down.
it is agonising to be asked by a female if you have an ocs social night. its not about being desperate nor anything about female stuff here, but the idea of being a man. a man in the army.
it is hurting to hear your fren ask you about the O.. sth sth place, and you have to get the bloody word, OCS, out of your stuttered mouth with the preparation next to say you din get in there.
it is even worse to have them ask you further to why are you not in OCS. like how should you answer it? you din like it? (what a loser.) or you just cudnt get in (what a loser.) which shud be my answer.
it is bad enough not to herald the chance to haf leadership qualities on paper in college, even more so when the working world view OCS as the certificate of leadership and maturity.
and it just doesnt stop there.
no, it doesnt, though i hope it does.
tell me when it does.

when i was walking past the security fella in the mrt station, i had a random thought about what runs thru his mind in assessing any ill-intentions from me.
this guy cant be a terrorist, he's to thin to strap bombs to his body and unnoticed
he cant be a terrorist, he's too young to want to end his life
he cant be one, his bag must be bulging because of the textbooks he has to mug.
or simply, he cant be one, i hope nort. it will be too tedious to search him and everyone else like him.
anyhows i walk past him and continued my long journey home.

i came across this really gd article in the Straits Times on an american journalist and his column on singapore in 1990s. really gd read, so am introducing you guys to that article today. kept me entertained for most of the ride home from camp.
anyways, im supposed to be writing my personal statement now, just deviated a lil to blog this since i was thinking about some stuff all the way since morning. applying to imperial college finally, hope everything goes out fine and we shall see how it goes.
saturday's outing was gd, ate some nice food at brewerkz. their grilled beef for their burger sets is simply fabulous, i cud taste the very smell of it from my burf hours and hours after that. it was equally entertaining sitting in the lovely ambience enjoying the liverpool and watford game - though not the manu's game which was later in the early morning - and having food. watched one last dance at 2350 at marina sq, quite ok the movie, just alil piecing of the plot to do in the end, quite a cheem story, not too badly filmed but cud haf been better. the newspapers gave it a very poor rating, its not that bad in my opinion but it failed to deliver with the fantastic trailer. 3.5 stars though. singapore effort!